Okay, so I haven't tracked my food, but I know that it is an issue. So I guess I should start.

Exercise:
46 minutes on the elliptical - didn't push myself so I only went 2 miles

Breakfast:
Bowl of peanut butter crunch

Lunch:
Left over stroganaff

Snack:
Slice of cheese, slice of turkey, & banana

Dinner:
2 slices frozen pizza

Dessert:
1 slice chocolate cake

Post-Workout:
banana

Okay... so my food was not stellar today and I ignored the calls of all the veggies in my fridge. My goal for tomorrow is to incorporate more veggies into my day.

Journal:
Can't = Imposing Limits On Myself.

I just can't seem to lose the weight.



If I take into account what Jillian said then I need to re-evaluate that statement.

"I just can't seem to lose the weight."
So let's rephrase:
I'm not trying hard enough to lose the pounds.



So that means I'm quitting before I've even began.



So "I'm not trying hard enough to lose the pounds." becomes:
I know what I need to do to change my weight or at least the first steps in doing so. However, I have been choosing not to implement the steps. I have chosen to do not.

Why?

I'm scared.

What am I scared of?

Losing myself in the process.

So you'd rather continue as you are and slowly commit suicide?

I'm not committing suicide!

Is there a better term for slowly eating yourself to death?

No.

You want to have kids right?

Yes.

Do you want them to have your eating habits?

No.

What do you think will be easier for them: unlearning bad food habits or never learning them in the first place?

Never learning them.

So what do you need to do?

I need to make the changes now so that healthy food habits become an ingrained part of my routine.

When should you start?

Now. Even though we aren't planning on trying for children yet - I was a surprise… so you never know.

What else is holding you back?

Lack of support and motivation.

What kind of support do you need?

It would be nice if my husband made an effort to eat healthy with me.

Why?

Because I feel like a mom when I have to remind him to eat his veggies. I often wonder why I bother eating mine.

You use him as an excuse to not eat healthy?

Yes. I have sometimes. I get frustrated thinking if he won't make the effort why should I?

So you are basically saying that you have no problem jeopardizing your health because other people jeopardize theirs?

When you word it that way I sound horrid.

But that is what your actions are saying.

I guess you are right.

You know that no one else can eat for you right? You choose the things that go into your mouth.

I know! But it would be easier if he ate that way too!

Newsflash: Life isn't easy!

I know, but…

Stop! You are making excuses for yourself. You need to own up to the fact that you don't eat healthy because you choose not to eat healthy. You need to acknowledge that it is your choice alone.

You are right. No one is forcing me to eat what I eat. It is the choice I make. When I was little mom told me what to eat but whether I ate it or not was still my choice. Now I don't have mom reminding me about what I should eat, but I shouldn't need that. I can read labels. I'm smart enough to determine what should and should not go into my body. I know what portions are accurate and how my meals should be balanced. So what is stopping me from implementing this knowledge?

Is it the taste?

No, that is just an excuse. I know that I've enjoyed the taste of bananas and crabed them before just as I've enjoyed the taste and craved chocolate.

Do I enjoy the guilty pleasure of junk-food and sweets? Or maybe it is just that I've always hated anything being off-limits, forbidden, or having to impose a limit on how much I eat?

Wow. I'm not sure I realized before how bid an issue food is for me.

I want to say that starting now I will eat healthy and choose wisely what I put in my body.

Well, why don't you?

I feel overwhelmed by that task! I'm afraid I will fail. No! I know I will fail!

It is one thing to know you will fail; it is another to plan on quitting when you fail before you've even started. You do realize that people who succeed have also failed. The key to their success is that when faced with a failure they didn't give up. They choose to learn from the failure and keep working towards their goal.

But I don't like failing!

I've never met anyone who does. So now I need you to find the child within. The little girl who didn't give up on her letters when they didn't turn out right. The little girl who got back on her bike after flying head first over the handle bars into a gravel driveway. The little girl who loves to sing and still hits the wrong note or sings off key sometimes. Learning is never perfect. Doing doesn't always turn out how you pictured it in your head. The key thing you need to learn from your younger self is that the failures you really remember and regret are the ones that stopped you from doing. The ones that made you walk away from a goal. No, not made you. The ones that after experiencing you chose not to attempt again. When you look back you don't actually regret the failings; you regret not getting back up. Not proving that you can do this. So what will win? You of the food? Will you choose to stop when you fail or will you keep going?

I want to keep going!

So keep going. You are enrolling in the kindergarten of healthy living while being armed with years of health education. The key will be to apply what you know while not being so harsh on your short comings. Would you yell at a kindergartner for misspelling a word? No. You'd gently show them the right way. So have patience with yourself. When you make mistakes gently teach yourself how it should go next time. Adapt like a small child would. Accept correction like a young child eagar to learn does. You can do this.

I can.

Now let's go back to the motivational piece. You said you lack motivation, but I don't believe you. I think you are just choosing to forget the things that motivate you.

What do you mean? Why would I do that? That's self-sabotage.

It may not be intentional, but I'm sure you still have the motivation. Don't believe me? Then let's work on coming up with a list of reasons why you want to be healthier and lose the weight.

• To boost my confidence.
• To be healthier.
• To not get winded while being active.
• For costumes I plan on making.
• Because I want to feel as beautiful as my husband thinks I am.
• So Grandma can stop challenging me to lose weight.
• So I'm no longer the fat one in the family.
• So I can weight less than my father again.
• Because exercising makes me feel good.
• Because I feel proud of my healthy decisions.
• Because I'd love a "Wow!" moment at my high school reunion.
• Because when I have kids I don't want them to go through what I did.
• Because when I have kids I want to be able to keep up with them.
• Because I want to be more like my mom.
• Because I am worth it!
• Because my body deserves good fuel and good ways to expend that fuel.
• Because I'll be able to do more of the things I enjoy.
• Because I want to live to a ripe old age like my Great Grandma Crane.
• I want to see my children get married, my children's children get married, and my children's grandchildren get married.
• I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.
• I want to have a "Wow!" moment where I am shocked to see the body looking back at me in the mirror.
• I want to not dread shopping.
• I want to be someone others can look up to.
• I want my outside to match my inside.
• I want to turn heads.
• I want to do the activities I like to do.
• I want to go dancing without worrying about my weight.
• I want to sit on my husband's lap without worrying about causing him pain.
• I want to fit into and look good in cute clothes.
• I want to worry less about being stuck in the middle seat on a plane ride.
• I just want to be healthy.

That sounds like motivation to me and a lot of it. I don't think you're ever lacked the motivation as a lot of these reasons have always been there. So when you tell yourself you "need motivation" correct yourself "I need to remember my motivation." Re-read through this list if you need help jogging your motivational memory.

Thanks! This chat makes me realized a lot of things. I think we should chat more often.

Well, I am always here when you need me.


Yes, I suppose you are. Thanks! Good night!